There is a Fire Hydrant Within Us All

4/27/26, 4:12-5:01 am

Our bodies are around 57% water.

I’ve long envied the routined. There was a phase of my life where my dopamine addiction centered around “clean girl” content. I’d lie in bed, unable to rise, and scroll through green juices and slicked back ponytails.

I am in awe of the routined: those who rise at 5 am, eat some honey and pink salt, run 8 miles, eat an avocado, jump in a cold plunge, and praise the Abrahamic God.

The Clean People of social media seem to do it all, always. I assume my life would be better were my energy a constantly-flowing tap.

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4/30/26 6:05

Well hello, past Frances. We actually meet again. Yay! I usually enjoy when we do.

My 38 drafts still sit, lonely or patient, somewhere on this website.

I imagine my unfinished thoughts like the lonely objects around my room. Like that just-started sweater, straining to hear me approach the closet door. Like the box of cartoon post cards trembling on the table as I lift them to wipe the crumbs around them—the Very Hungry Caterpillar very very hungry for a spot of ink, a spot of intention.

Staying with something is hard for me. Probably for many of you too. I really admire the finishers of the world. Those full of grit.

Marathons, novels, albums, murals…these are self-evident displays of commitment.

I don’t know if I could ever be celery juice Pilates girl. For one, I don’t like celery juice or Pilates. But I could be committed and focused. I could complete something masterful.

Historically, I’m not like… the cleanest girl ever. On an average day there’s usually clothing on my floor, a few dishes in my sink. On a bad day it’s worse. On a good day, after a lovely spurt, the sink is bleached, the floors are bare, the bed is made.

So I’m growing comfortable saying, fuck that, and leaning into the things in my life that are good and also authentic to me.

I thought I would never enjoy cardiovascular activity until I discovered social dance.

I also realized that I don’t have to do something every. single. day. for it to count. I’ll go months without dancing sometimes, then dance twice a week.

Still, I would really, really like to be able to check things off on a habit tracker.

I would love to see that, hey, I went to the gym twice a week for the past month! That’s great! Wow, I did morning pages every day for thirty days!

I would love the self-confidence I’ve heard emerges when you complete excellent things. Even that thought gives me pause. Is it the outcome that creates satisfaction, or the continuous engagement itself?

And if I want it, I can do it. I do have that optimism and self-confidence. If I choose to, my desires can become my thoughts, my identity, my actions, my destiny. I’m not stuck as a dilettante in everything I do.

5/12 1 am-ish

Even so, what. do. I. want? What I desire changes almost daily. Just for your fun, and mine, here are some of those.

~libidinal space~

• sovereign desires:

  • sailing

  • surfing

• community-building desires:

  • community garden

  • host a salon

  • host a talent show/music festival

• world-building/activist desires:

  • learn and ideate about utopia, futurism, alternative economic models: post-growth/abundance economics

  • join groups around this kind of thinking

    • thinktank + dotank

• artist desires:

  • solarpunk artwork (cross with activism)

  • punk/country band

  • EDM music

  • make comedy videos

  • make stand up comedy

  • teach a letter-writing class

  • write a play

  • write a screenplay

I want to write a course proposal for final item, so I will wrap this up!

I have all these desires, and I love desiring many things.

But what I want most now is the satisfaction of depth. So I will subordinate my fickle desires to this greater, general desire for work that I can share, work that I am proud of. I am day 5/30 of writing stuff every day with Laurel, my accountability buddy. I am proud that I am writing tonight when I didn’t want to. Because, I finished this. It’s not a factory-finished product, but I enjoyed producing it.